Saying no: An act of self-love and how to practice it

Saying no

Saying no can be one of the hardest things to do. Especially if you are a people-pleaser or you have been taught to put others’ needs ahead of your own. But saying no also has the potential to bring you greater peace and wellbeing and allow you to focus your time and energy on the things which truly matter to you. In that sense, to say no is an act of self-love which has the power to transform your life. 

Being a martyr and saying no

As part of my ‘Manifesto for my Fifties’ I vowed to be less of a martyr. Being a martyr is about self-sacrifice and service to others at your own expense. It is another seemingly wholly virtuous act often with a hidden agenda (in a similar way to humility which I have previous written about). For me, a crucial part of my attempt to be less of a martyr involves now saying no to things which are not for my highest good (which I previously would have said yes to).

Shortly after my 50th birthday in the summer I had an opportunity to put this to the test. I was due to go to a very good friend’s 50th birthday party but I had a recurring health issue which would have made the four hour plus solo car journey very challenging and uncomfortable. I took some time to ponder over whether to tell my friend I couldn’t make it. I ran through all the different resulting scenarios in my mind – ranging from her never wanting to speak to me again through to having a lovely warm glow knowing that we are old enough friends that she would want was best for me. Whilst I had a huge pull to act based on the former, I chose to focus on and welcome in the latter. And it turned out to be true. (Thanks Debs!)

This type of action takes a high degree of consciousness (for me, at least). It takes challenging what can feel like a natural instinct to consider yourself last. 

Why we feel so compelled to say yes when we really mean no

We can say yes (when we really mean no) to all manner of things such as:

  • Going to a social event which just isn’t us
  • Accepting a new client who we just didn’t click with
  • Agreeing to help a family member out when we are not feeling well ourselves
  • Signing up to a work project we know we don’t have time for

Saying yes to these types of things, whilst often seen as a positive or virtuous thing to do, can also mask over the times when it is detrimental to our wellbeing. The times when we don’t actually have enough energy or headspace or may even be feeling ill.

The Ego Self is very subtle in how it operates. What may on the surface seem like a very noble action may in fact be the Ego Self trying to protect you. I believe that saying yes when we really mean no mostly stems from a place of fear:

  • Fear of judgement
  • Fear of being seen as a bad person
  • Fear of another person wanting to disassociate from us
  • Fear of losing a client
  • Fear of losing a job

It can be such an ingrained habit to say yes to things that the thought of saying no can fill us with utter terror. But habits are just things we have learned to repeat, and by their very nature, they can also be unlearned. As Louise Hay says in her classic book You Can Heal Your Life ‘it’s only a thought and a thought can be changed’. 

Next time you are faced with a situation where you want to say no but feel compelled to say yes, consider what thoughts you are holding about saying no. What do you believe might happen if you don’t say yes?

What it means if you say yes when you really mean no (and how it can impact you)

Saying yes when you really mean no means that:

  • You are placing greater importance on someone else’s needs and/or opinions than your own
  • You are not giving from your highest vibration (especially if you feel resentful)
  • You will have less to give or share with the people you really want to say yes to
  • Your wellbeing and sense of peace or balance may well be compromised
What price are you currently paying by not saying no more?

What can change for you if you say no more

It can feel hugely liberating when you start to say no more – whether that’s to your clients, your colleagues, your family or your friends. On a tangible level, saying no can help you create better boundaries and balance, conserve your energy, your time, your love and your light for those things and people who truly matter to you. You can then give to them from a truer, deeper place inside. 

I recently tested out a new process in my business which helps me focus on the people who are the best fit for me. It involves saying no to those who aren’t the best fit (at this point in time at least). And it felt like I was putting a protective coat of armour around myself.  Like I was saying to the Universe ‘I really value my time and my energy and I am saving it for the clients who I can best serve in this moment.’ 

In the context of your working life, saying no may mean that you make space for the right clients, for the right people, the right opportunities to show up more. I know that this can often feel counter-intuitive (especially when you say no to potential clients if you are looking to grow your business). But trust me, this will save you a lot of time and energy and bring you better results in the long run!

How to say no more (and live in closer alignment with who and what resonates with you)

When you are on a spiritual journey and raising your vibration, inevitably, it will become more obvious to you that certain people and things no longer resonate with you. And so, I believe it is important to learn how to become more skilled in saying no. 

Here are a few tips to start practicing saying no more: 

1. Tune into what does resonate with you more (whether that’s people, events, objects, things you consume) so that you will be more acutely aware of what doesn’t resonate with you

2. Before you say yes to something, consider how it feels in your body and what your intuition is telling you about whether it is for your highest good

3. Play out your worse-case scenario – for example, is that person really going to disassociate from you if you say no?

4. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt – see them in the most positive light possible, that they will accept your no (or to otherwise accept their reaction and let them own it if they aren’t happy with it!)

5. Set your intention around saying no and focus on what you hope to gain from it such as a feeling of calm, a higher vibration, time to spend with your loved ones, time to practice self-care

6. Repeat an affirmation which enables you to negate the limiting belief you may hold around saying no (such as ‘It is safe for me to consider my own wellbeing’)

I hope you have found this exploration into saying no helpful. And that you feel a little more motivated and a little better equipped to start practicing it. It may take time and effort for it to feel more natural for you at first. But, as an act of self-love, I believe it is worth it.

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Coaching The Coach Rebecca Kirk

Hello, I'm Rebecca

Career Coach & Business Coach for people on a spiritual path

I support mid-career professionals who are  ready to make a career change, launch into a more purpose-led career or business or simply enjoy a more fulfilling or balanced working life.  

believe that we all have a purpose here on earth and that life is too short to be stressed, unfulfilled and playing small. 

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